you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
