dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
