He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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