In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize