It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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