There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
