Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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