You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
