I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's shark week go big or go home
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
