the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I showed him my bush... on skype.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
