OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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