Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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