My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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