he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
