you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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