I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
