i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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