hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
