I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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