When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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