I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
