Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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