Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
