thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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