i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
