I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
