i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
