the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
