I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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