So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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