i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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