girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
