I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
