My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
