My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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