Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
