she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
