i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
