Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
