i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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