I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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