2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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