im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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