What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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