I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
