now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
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