Already got asked if we're dating
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He? As in you personified your dick?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
