I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
