Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
