i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
