You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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