I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
