Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
