Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
