Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize