when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
