There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
