Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
whose parrot is this?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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